Tuesday, March 16, 2010

...a freeze frame.

Yesterday Meg said, "I don't want Lola to ever grow up".  I wish I didn't have an ounce of melancholy in me.  I wish I could say that I don't feel the same way.  Hell, I wish I could truly enjoy the unfreakin'believable bliss that is my life as a mom in this moment without the underlying sadness that it can not stay like this forever.  I honestly could pinch myself at the sheer joy of parenting my two girls right now.  Meg as a six year old is... where to start?  Clever, funny, charming, beautiful, generous, adaptable, kind-hearted, ethical, soulful, inspiring and the best damn big sister a girl could ask for.  She seems so at ease with herself and so intouch with her moral compass.  I am a proud mama.  And I ask myself "how did I get so lucky?"  Lola is an incredible baby.  Mothering her is delightful.  My patience seems to be limitless with her.  She and I seem to be in a lovely, flowing dance.  I can't fully explain it but it feels so very right.  And all the while I have a little trickle of that melancholic angst rippling through me.  Like I am so happy I could cry, but it's not really a happy cry.... It's a cry for the fear of losing this.  It is my daily practice to be present to my joy and allow that to flow as freely as the melancholy.  Perhaps one day the joy will wash the melancholy away in a raging current of love...

1 comment:

  1. You didn't get lucky. It is a result of your awesome momma-ing.