Wednesday, September 9, 2009

...a do-over.

Little by little this baby of mine is weaseling her way deeper into my heart and feeding my soul with her very clearly unique being. She has big personality already. She laughs and squeals with delight when you find just the right thing to tickle her funny bone and then if you are distracted by something else and turn away she will complain fiercely until the attention is back on her. She also has a coy little smile that she delivers with a turn of her head that will melt your heart. She is her own person through and through. So why do I feel like it is my Meg do-over? Why has nobody told me that this is what a second baby feels like? Is it just me? I find myself talking about the things I am going through with Lola as if it is my second time around with Meg. Like Meg and I are both 6 years on and starting fresh armed with what we know now that we didn't know then. It is like "sliding doors", an alternate reality. You would think from that perspective I would have it all figured out this time. After all I already had my trial run 6 years ago. Made all my mistakes and learned from them. Shame on me if I haven't.... right? Bahhh. Things are different this time, that's for sure. This time she cries a lot more. She gets ignored in favour of getting a meal on the table or wiping another child's bum. She is awoken from naps and in the morning to make the trek down the road to drop off or pick up at school. Smiles and coos are missed as we struggle to keep our house and lives in order some days. She will need to exert her personality just to be noticed. She hangs off my hip as I run around getting stuff done and quietly tolerates this existence for the most part. Can I pinpoint the things that would make my life easier if I had done them differently the first time? Was there a derailment in parenting that I can avoid in order to help my child sleep better, eat healthier, live a happier, more carefree life? Maybe... but somehow I find myself parenting by feel again. As if blindfolded, flailing arms, shuffling feet, hoping not to bump into anything or fall off a step. It feels like a crap shoot once again and I don't think there is any other way to do this thing. It's messy, heartbreaking, completely perplexing... But there is love...lots of love in this house.

On another note. We are seeing how things are unfolding for Meg as she navigates her first few weeks of grade one. She is so open to her experiences right now and it is allowing for such a lovely transition into this new phase in her life. We are still struggling with the six year change here at home but at school she is flourishing, flowing, blossoming...bliss.