...something that is sleeping.

I haven't done this in awhile. I am sitting cross-legged on my bed, computer in lap and remembered that I have a blog. This is how I blogged before Lola. Or at least when she still interfered with my lap and wasn't beside me (interfering with my sleep instead). My whole house is sleeping except me and my brain is racing... a few hours ago I had a million things I wanted to do and couldn't because I had a babe in my arms, a six year old that I promised I would make muffins with and a date with a zucchini or two. Now that I have my arms free and my house quiet I can't remember what it was that was so damn pressing. But I will remember tomorrow afternoon when my arms are full of chubby baby again and the six year old has me captive with some very intriguing story or high priority task.

I noticed a shift the other day. I am sure that I have been shifting (physically as well as emotionally) a lot these past two months but in my postpartum haze I haven't been able to recognize these shifts. Ahhhhh yes, I forgot one cannot witness their own death and rebirth.... I have been piecing myself back together. I forgot... I forgot that after you have looked death in the eye you turn to mush. So the other day when I noticed this shift it felt very surprising to me. I felt as though perhaps I had been approaching this new baby and new mothering very mechanically (much as I had the first 6 months of my pregnancy). Why hadn't I been mothering soulfully, why did it take two months for me to feel something noteworthy bubbling up from under the surface? But I had forgotten. Ah, the grace. I can open myself up to feel things and know things on a soul level again because I don't have to protect the raw flesh of my being as fiercely. I wasn't a shallow mama, just going through the motions and watching each day pass mindlessly. I was surfacing...

What was it that I felt shift? What awakened me to ask these questions and remind me that I have been on the hook? Crap, I can't remember... I know I was in the bath with Lola. I remember thinking "oh, this is good, I should blog about this"...

...a friend.

I am blessed. I am surrounded by so many amazing women. My family is comprised of some of the most phenomenal women I know and is born of an amazing feminine legacy. I am very proud of this. I feel deeply attached to my ancestral lineage and know that these women that machteted their way through life ahead of me have allowed me to adorn that path with my own grace and beauty, love and compassion. They have made it easy for me. And as a result I have been able to culture some pretty incredible friendships. And even some pretty incredible acquaintances. The type of people that you know well enough to hug when you greet each other and would feel comfortable to cry with but don't fall into the category of people you call or get together with regularly. What a blessed life I have. I have friends that span the globe and that endure the distance and time between us. If this is a way to measure my wealth I am very rich indeed!

Now more than at any other time I feel compelled to soak in this sea of feminine energy. I want to lay my head back in the water and float on the waves of this soulful sea. I have been drifting this way for months now and it is clearly evident in my inability to focus, attend to the needs of others and generally see a task through to it's end. I am scatterbrained and it makes me smile a little to know that this is the energy that will serve me as my path unfolds towards my birth. The divine feminine. The flowing, oozing, soft, yet powerful qualities that I will need to traverse this portion of my journey are seeping into every part of my life. I was reminded to accept this energy with grace by one of my dearest friends. She knows me in a way so unique I can not put it into words. She is a person I never knew I was missing in my life until she was a part of it.... and now I have no idea how I ever felt complete without our relationship. We have not seen each other for almost a year now and I am aching to see her while I am in this place of fullness and standing, a bit anxiously on the edge of a whole new sense of being. Yesterday she booked a flight to be here for my Mother Blessing in a few weeks. I am overjoyed. This feels like the thing I need to complete the final steps of my preparation before I make my solo journey into the underworld. She will help me to don my medha, she is my handmaiden. Together we will gather my robes, breast plate, lapis necklace and gold bracelets. She will help me dress, comb my hair, apply my make up and wash my feet to honour the journey ahead. Then she will bid me farewell as a maiden-mother of one. Never to return....