...something that is ending.

I have been going at full speed ahead or full stop lately. The schedules of my family have collided into a break neck speed over the last few months and then we were slammed with sickness. Nursing myself and my daughter through the flu for over a week had us hibernating. All of this has led to a disconnect from my friends and family. Some I have not seen for months (and I think have given up on me) and others tolerate my sporadic attention and apologies for my lack of time. Today I took a short break to talk with a dear friend on the phone and I realized that this gap in my social structure has had a larger affect than I realized. This chatter with friends, shallow or deep, is my way to self discovery. I have, in fact, been moving through my life without much reflection. At a time when reflection, discovery and transformation should be a daily practice. Gestating a new life should have me thinking about change, growth and fear. But I have thought of little else but the mundane juggling of my daily routine... So this talk today allowed me a chance to reflect. She offered that perhaps I needed to find some time for myself. Some time to focus on me and my journey to the motherhood of this baby. Permission for myself to be selfish. But without hesitation I disagreed with her observation. I suddenly realized that what I wanted was permission to completely lose myself in my relationship with my first born. I know on an intellectual level that my heart will grow and my bosom will swell to accommodate my love for two children but for now I can only see that my relationship with my daughter will be irreversibly changed forever on the day that we welcome this next one into our lives. It brings a lump to my throat as I write about it. I don't know this new baby yet. But I am completely smitten by my daughter. Our mutual adoration seems to have grown to overflowing lately and I am worried about this increased attachment on one level but drinking it up on another.

Over the last few weeks we have finally focused some of our attention on moving Meg into her own room in our new(ish) house. We moved here in June and with all the change in our lives we felt that having her sleep close to us was best for all of us. Her mattress has been on the floor next to our bed until only a few days ago. I am reluctantly encouraging her to carve her own space in our home. To feel cozy and comfortable in some place other than our bedroom. We painted, bought a new natural latex mattress and are working on refinishing my childhood bed for her to call her own. She spent the first few nights in her own room with her cousins sleeping over. A novelty for her and it went quite well. The last two nights I slept with her all night on her old crib mattress next to her new one. 30 weeks pregnant with a pinched nerve in one hip and a belly that keeps me on a rotisserie all night. And I somehow can't see myself giving it up. I am just not ready for this to end yet...